How to Stop the War

How to Stop the War

There’s a classic Buddhist story about two monks who come upon a woman at the edge of a river. One of the monks carries her across and they continue on their way. Several miles on, the other monk turns to the first and says, “How could you do that? We have made vows never to touch a woman!” The first looks serenely at him. “Are you still carrying her? I set her down at the edge of the river.”

This is exactly what our minds do, if we aren’t careful: We carry our upsets with us long after the original cause is over. (We also pick up imaginary burdens from a future that may never come.) It’s what I call “the war in your head.”

You know what it feels like. On the surface, you are going about your day—at work, driving, shopping, watching TV. But in your mind you’re going over, maybe for the hundredth time, what your boss or neighbor or ex-spouse said last week. Or what they might say or do next week.

Only a sliver of your attention is on what is happening now. The rest of you is in the future or the past, reliving an old battle or imagining a future one.

I say the war in your head, but you will inevitably feel its effects in your body as well. Maybe your throat or your chest is tight, your breathing is shallow, and your stomach feels a bit nauseous. As far as your body’s concerned, you might as well be experiencing the scene in reality: the stress hormones flow just as surely, doing their damage.

When the war is in your head, you are the loser, every time. It doesn’t matter how often you re-fight the battle (or fight it in advance)—you have ceded your peace of mind, and anything else that might be available to you in the present moment. You can wear yourself out, even boxing with shadows.

I learned this the hard way, during and after my divorce. I spent hours, days, weeks, and months with a full-scale war raging in my head. I sleepwalked through the rest of my life to the accompaniment of a continuous background rumble of outrage, pain, and anger.

Most of my energy and attention were sucked up in imaginary arguments with my ex-husband, his lawyer, and the judge. I would go over and over the same ground, inwardly reciting my grievances, telling them off, or spinning down the rabbit holes of innumerable “what if” scenarios. None of it did me any good—the war in my head only added to my suffering.

Eventually I realized what I was doing to myself and laid down my arms in sheer exhaustion. The quiet in my mind was almost eerie, like a battlefield after the ceasefire is called.

Although my divorce continued along much the same lines it had been, I refused to give up my entire life and energy to the fight. I consulted with my lawyer, did what was necessary when it was necessary, and slowly became aware of the life that had been flowing around me, unnoticed and unlived, while I fought my inner war.

The truth is, the war in our heads harms no one but ourselves, and even a small-scale war can have major consequences. How often has someone cut you off in traffic, or made a rude remark that you ruminated on for the rest of the day? How often have you spent anxious hours worrying about a possible outcome that never occurred?

Our mental real estate is too precious to give over to war and strife. Our bodies are too vulnerable to collateral damage. 

Luckily, it is possible to stop the war in your head. The first—and most important—step is to simply recognize when it’s happening and what it’s doing to you. Most of us are so used to the war that we become essentially unconscious of it. It just feels normal.

In the beginning, it will probably take a full-scale battle to get your attention, but eventually you’ll learn to recognize even a minor skirmish. When you do, the next step is to take a metaphorical “step back” from it.

Put yourself in the role of a war correspondent, who is there to simply observe, not participate. You can’t stop the war through resistance—that will only fan the flames. You stop the war by removing the fuel it runs on, which is your unconscious participation.

Imagine a dial that lets you turn down the volume on your thoughts, as if you were viewing a battle scene from a distance.

Take some deep breaths, and let yourself be gently aware of any sensations in your body. You don’t have to do anything about them—just notice them and let them be. Becoming familiar with the negative effects of your mental war will help you to recognize it faster, and also give you the motivation to end it!

If you’re a visual person, try imagining a breeze that blows through your mind, gently clearing away the thoughts… or perhaps waves crashing on a beach, leaving the sand smooth and empty. Then say to yourself: “I choose not to have a war in my head.”

It really can be as simple as that. The war thrives on our unconscious participation. Once you become conscious of it, and make the choice to reclaim your mental real estate, the episodes of war will become both less frequent and less intense.

When this happens, you actually become more effective at solving any actual problems you might have, because your thinking is not clouded by drama and noise. This kind of thinking—without the violent emotions and resistance attached—also doesn’t impact your body the way a mental war does

If you are tired of the war that rages in your head, join me in declaring a “no-war zone” in your mind and be vigilant in keeping it that way. There will always be events and situations in life that bring up resistance, anger, worry, and upset, but we can choose to be like the first monk and simply set them down rather than carrying them endlessly along with us.

Keep Spreading Love Today and Forever

Some really real stuff happens in this world to the point that it affects even those of us who would love to stay out of it all. I struggle to stand back when terrible things happen but as some of my dearest friends have demonstrated, there are ways to turn them around and promote love over hate. By first acknowledging the world’s terrible events and dealing with them in a constructive manner, we can eventually get back to spreading love. It’s a choice that comes after serious soul searching and talking with those we trust.

I’m pissed off and hurt at the same time when terrible things happen. My heart aches through each tragedy and I grow angrier as the news pours out. Selfishly I have to stop and turn it off, knowing that some people are actually there and don’t have that privilege. That is the only way I can control the rollercoaster of thoughts rushing through my head. It’s painful to watch and hear about so many other people who are suffering and I want to roll back time, giving everyone a second chance to find a safe place before that terrible thing happened.

I know our instincts and emotions really do take over but the light will come after the darkness peaks. For as long as you feel necessary, let it all out and realize that it’s won’t always be like this. Take a deep breath and if you still struggle to keep it together, remember those people in your corner and find them. Use their shoulders to cry on and ears for listening to how you feel. It’s important for us to talk about troubling thoughts with those we love and trust, and I promise there’s at least one person out there for you.

Another mission I’ll create is for you to not acknowledge those who want to lure you into the negative realm of the discussion. They are not important enough to grant more than three sentences of attention and maybe two is enough after all. I’m not saying you should keep those strong opinions quiet but instead, work towards strengthening that happiness magnet we all possess. If you can’t do it alone, find the person or thing that forces out that beautiful laugh and charming personality of yours. You can do it after releasing all the bad thoughts and feelings from inside, and that’s achieved through sharing them with a person or people we love.

Maybe it’s a person you’ve helped in the past when he or she had hit bottom. Isn’t it funny how the world, with people helping each other? It’s like we inhabit a truly beautiful place where we’re all working together or something. Call me crazy but I know that good can come from people, and I know you’ve got someone to pull you out of it. I’m putting it on you to find them because they’re the easiest ticket to getting out of a horrible situation. Give it some time and once you’re back to laughing and smiling again, get ready to continue the good work you were doing before.

Now it’s your turn to look back on the bad and think of a way to promote change for the better. I’m calling on you to at least think how we can all improve this world in order to prevent future terrible occurrences. It’s an old school call to action for you: Ask yourself how you can make this world a better one every day. After all, it’s our choice to make the best out of our existence on this planet. Do you want to make things better or worse for those around you? Don’t think doing nothing is the middle ground because that actually helps the latter crowd.

Work towards a constructive path forward and you’ll outshine those who perpetuate the hate and negativity that plagues our globe this very day. Send a kind message to a friend you haven’t seen in a while or thank the mailman for doing such a fine job. Write a thank you letter to someone who helped you a long time ago or offer to help a neighbor struggle to unload the groceries. You can even make a difference by smiling and nodding your head to a passing stranger. It won’t fix everything but will actually make you feel better after doing it.

Convincing people to spread the love and peace while ignoring the fact that the hate and fear will overshadow them is a tall order. Frankly, I don’t care and will try my best to maintain a loud shout of happiness from as high a rooftop as I can climb. The right people will hear me and will make the decision to continue paying it forward until it reaches the very last person. Don’t think I’m perfect and not prone to stumbling along the way, because I’m not and I will. Do as I say, not as I do, and let’s work together to keep spreading love today and forever. Keep on keeping on and maybe that idea will stick with more people every single day.